Who Am I Really?

Recently I read a wonderful post by Jessie Lourey titled, The Real Me – Strap In.

http://jessicalourey.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-real-me-strap-in.html?spref=fb

I will tell you now that our views on some things conflict, but on many they do not. I’m not writing to say she is wrong or that I am right. I’m blogging today because I love that we both can believe what we want. I’m writing because even though we are different, when I am scrolling on my Facebook page if she posts I stop to read it. She makes me ponder, she makes me laugh and she inspires me to write. I believe we should all be nice to each other no matter what. Okay if you hurt my babies, I’m not going to be nice to you.I’m not sure if it matters what Jessie and I agree or disagree on but since she is willing to put it all out there I thought I would too.

1. I too am raunchy. Obviously my mom didn’t wash my mouth out with soap enough. I remember my dad getting pissed off when I said the word damn once. This week, I’m sure I used the word fuck several times while he was visiting. His father would be mortified, for my grandfather told me that the word was stupid and most people didn’t know what it meant. For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. I remember this because I love Van Halen. The term came also from something about a king, but Fuck, I can’t remember what it is. Sorry grandpa.

2. I too am inappropriate. I need learn to keep my mouth shut but I don’t and I probably never will. When I was growing up, I wanted nothing more than to be loved. I gave up too much of myself only to feel ashamed and used. I also did way too many drugs at a very young age. So I made sure my kids new that I used drugs in middle school (we called it junior high) and that I gave up my virginity too young in hopes that they would not follow the same path. At the dinner table they received a healthy portion of TMI from their mother. I have great kids and I’m not sorry I told them too much. They however may disagree.

3. I’m a conservative. And a practicing Catholic. I converted at 21 so the feelings of being ashamed did not come from Catholic guilt. I don’t understand Catholic guilt, maybe my kids do because they were raised Catholic. I love my God and my faith. And I love our newest leader, Pope Francis. He seems to be kind man. Since he has taken the role of Peter in my church, I’ve been forced to reflect on who I am. I believe what the bible teaches, but I have no room to judge because I sin. I sin daily. I’m not always nice, I gossip when I shouldn’t and I don’t always forgive the way I want to be forgiven. I’ve been married twice, had two kids out of wedlock from two different men who neither was my husband. I have enough junk in my trunk so I will not be throwing any stones in this lifetime. I have friends from all walks of life and I don’t believe that I was put on this earth to shove my belief system down any ones throat. Father Larry Richards Homily on September 7, 2014 is my favorite. He encourages us to love, never grow up and not to let our hearts die.

http://thereasonforourhope.org/homilies/September72014-23rdSundayOrdinaryTime-CycleA/

Love is the fulfillment.

4. I worked for a heath food chain and thought they were nuts. Now that I’m no longer working there, I think I believe more in what they stood for. Gluten for me is the devil, it makes me hurt. I look at the things I put in my body now. And I now think about what I do to our planet. I am responsible for the carbon footprint I leave behind. Some days I wish I never had left that job. But in the end, I want to be a writer so that is my goal going forward. I do have to work and will find something that makes me happy.

5. I am not published. I have a lot of work to do on my manuscript to include fixing what my critique group just handed back to me. After that, I will hire and editor so that my best work is published. I’m going to self publish. That is road I’m taking and I will not apologize for my business decision. My story is a Young Adult novel about stepmoms, boys, football and family. And the dragons that hold us hostage. Not those fire breathing ones, but the dragons inside of us that try to control us, not allowing us to love and be loved. I’m terrified to publish my book. There is nothing I want more than to put my work out there but I’m afraid it’s not good and the people I’m closest to will think it is stupid. I think I will always feel that way.

6. My family tree is crazy. See my previous post on this. Even though we are all messed up, I wouldn’t change any of it.

7. I continue to write even though I’m afraid the world knows I’m a fraud. I go to writer’s conferences and have to force myself to talk to my peers. Did I just say peers? When I am there, I feel like a stalker. I’m this groupie who follows all these famous people around. When I post on their social networks, I worry what they think even if I’m sharing that I loved their work. I would share who I’m stalking but that would be just too weird, wouldn’t it? Oh hell, I’m an Aaron Michael Ritchey, Angie Hodapp, Cindi Madsen, Kara Seal, and Zach Milan stalker. Check them out, as they are all fabulous, kind people who write wonderful stories.

8. I would rather hang out with a group of young adults that most adults I know. Kids are kinder, smarter and less judging then we are. They also are less hypocritical. They say what is on their mind and don’t feel the need to apologize for it. And most of the time there is no need for apologies anyway.

9. I love my children more than anything but I’m learning that my husband needs to be first in my life. I’m way too hard on him. He is an incredible man who not only loved me, but he loved our children. My kids are his kids. He is the dad that didn’t have to be. He supports me in everything I do. Finding a man that does that is hard to find. I’m truly blessed that God gave him to me. He is truly my best friend.

10. I’m claustrophobic, afraid of heights and I could stay in the state of Colorado the rest of my life and not feel like I’ve missed out on anything. I’m going to Hawaii only because my husband wants to go. Spending hours in an airplane flying over the Pacific Ocean scares the shit out of me. I will need drugs for this.

Well that’s my ten. I am who I am and I’m good with it.

2 thoughts on “Who Am I Really?

  1. It is so nice to get to know you little bit. I specially laughed at the paragraph about stalking famous authors. I think I’m a fellow stalker. I’m looking forward to reading more.

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